Do you ever have something little happen that really shouldn’t bug you that much, but instead you fly off the handle? That happened to me the other day. I had been part of a monthly beauty subscription box and one of the month’s boxes never arrived. I emailed them a few times, getting little to no response. Then when I finally did get a response, what I got was a pretty simple: “it’s your responsibility”. That was AFTER they consistently asked me questions I had already answered in previously (and obviously unread) emails. I never got the box. Of course this is pretty annoying and even rude (and quite shockingly poor customer service). However, it was my reaction that surprised me more than anything. Usually I’m pretty chill about this kind of thing. I’d expect myself to be disappointed and probably cancel my service (which I did). But I found myself almost in a complete rage. I felt offended. Hurt even. I felt ripped off in a much bigger way than I should have. I even cried a little. I emailed them and told them I was super disappointed and no longer would be a customer. I was nice of course, but I’d say I ripped them a new one in a courteous fashion.
When I got that email basically saying they didn’t care whether I got what I ordered or not, I found myself feeling things on a level that were a bit out of proportion to what was actually going on. I mean, I was MAD. A lot of what my family and I went through a few years ago that quite literally leveled me for a while, was basically being ripped off over and over again…in a lot of different ways. People who were supposed to care for us, stole from us. People who I thought were there for me, were not. I feel like in some ways I poured my life like a bunch of quarters into a vending machine that promptly said: “out of order” and left me high and dry. It was a shocking time in my life because it let me see the true nature of greed and also, the honest and harsh reality of my life. And I wanted a refund.
There are some days when what we lost feels unbearable to me. Days like that one, where someone ripped me off for $20 and I felt like it was the last straw. Days when I want to literally hunt all those people down and demand that they understand how it felt and what it did to me. Days when I want a refund on my time, on my feelings, and for the pieces of my heart that I gave away and thought it was an investment. Those are the days when I struggle the most. Those are also the days that my husband usually has to remind me of the fact that the best is yet to come, and no amount of me pouring my heart out ever will come back completely void. That there were good things that came out of the bad…even the horribly painful. It’s a hard thing for me to remember when it hurts.
One of the things I find the most amazing, is watching new life come out of previously “dead” areas. Like watching plants grow in the spring after the ground looks dry and devoid of life. Like watching a new relationship form after an old one has “died”…whether it’s a literal death or an emotional one. Like seeing someone get a new start after everything looked hopeless. I think the only way this really happens is by letting go of the old “dead” parts. And that is much easier said than done. I think as the new year approaches, I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want for the new year. New life is one of those things…and that means me letting go of the old. For me that means emotionally letting go and not being afraid of that letting go. It means forgiving…and that includes forgiving myself (which is the hardest person for me to forgive!). It means letting go of what was lost (including that box I never got!) and letting it be, and allowing space for the newness that is to come.
I’ve been getting a lot of new inspiration for outfits lately. That’s not to say that I’m getting rid of my old styles, because I still love them! But I guess I’m letting myself have fun, be open to new ideas, and finding ways of growing and changing in my style. Newness is always a good idea! :)
I went to the Goodwill to get some sweaters, but instead ended up with this awesome vintage shirt that is actually Avon brand. I couldn’t pass it up! I’m having a lot of fun with vintage scarves lately, especially mixing them with jewelry. Because, well more is always more to me! :)