I apologize in advance for this post. Because usually, when people say “dance like no one’s watching” they are referring to something more metaphorical and emotional than actually literally “dancing like no one’s watching”. But this post is not going to be metaphorical or emotional in the least. I’m literally talking about dancing. And I’m HORRIBLE at dancing. Let me give you some background.
When I was a child I dreamt of being in the Nutcracker. I would have been perfectly fine with being a lump of coal or a rat or something very un-Clara like, although in my ACTUAL dreams, I was Clara of course. However, my very conservative mother decided that even ballet was too modern for her liking, and pulled me out of dance classes at a young age, thereby destroying any hopes of even being part of the background in any dance show. Now to be fair, I wasn’t that great to begin with. So…yeah. Not the HUGEST loss per say for the dance world.
Fast forward to college. I had to take some classes in the physical education type area, so I chose dance. Most people chose bowling, but my bowling form is quite wrong, and I really just don’t want to hear about it and then fail bowling class because I can’t get it right (that just feels rather pathetic to me) and also, dance sounded like way more fun. I took ballet from a woman who I think is possibly 135. Don’t let her advanced age fool you though. Just because she’s been teaching since the dark ages, does NOT mean she cannot out dance EVERYONE. She was probably the most disciplined and frightening ballet teacher I have ever had. She even MADE me feel her thigh to feel how tight it was supposed to be. Awkward, yes, and also, that woman’s got some thighs of steel. Besides ballet, I also took some modern dance, which was SO FRIGGIN FUN. I also learned that “modern dance” is code for “do anything and call it dance, and you’re in”. I learned this by attending a modern dance show as a requirement of the class. One of the “dancers” (it’s in quotes because I’ve never actually seen him dance in the true definition of the word) came out on stage, unrolled a sleeping bag, lay down for a few minutes, then rolled it up and left. Guys, just because you do that to music, DOESN’T make it DANCE. If THAT’S the definition of dancing, then I should immediately be cast as the new premier ballerina or whatever it’s called. But I digress.
We had to form groups and create our own dance routine to a song, so I found my group and we came up with a fun dance to a super fun song. All was good UNTIL I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Okay. Dance teachers of the world, I understand that the mirror is necessary for checking your form and all that. But man, would it be a HECK OF A LOT MORE FUN if that mirror just…went away. If the mirror wasn’t there, I would have seen myself as I imagined. The body of a Victoria’s Secret model…all long and lean…graceful as a swan…lovely and perfect in form. And instead, THIS is what went through my mind.
“Oh wow, I didn’t know I had a fat roll there…is it normal to have a fat roll there?”
“Gosh I’m sweating a lot…why isn’t that slightly skinnier girl next to me sweating?”
“Is THAT what that move actually LOOKS like? It looked WAY cooler in my head.”
“Dang it I thought my leg was SO HIGH and it’s actually…at ankle height.”
“That’s it. I’m quitting dancing FOREVER and actually, I should probably just hold still when I get around other humans.”
“MY ARMS ARE TWICE THE LENGTH OF ALL OTHER PEOPLE’S. I’M BASICALLY A MONKEY. But a monkey who sweats more than all the other monkeys.”
And now, my friends always want to have dance parties for birthdays and stuff. So while they’re getting low and all that jazz (my puns are #onpoint right now), I’m nervously rocking back and forth to the beat, hoping that no one notices the absurd length of my arms. Which, by the way, help TREMENDOUSLY with selfies, so hey, silver lining right?
Let’s talk about these pants. They make me feel like dancing (in private, of course) and also, as an added bonus, they feel like you’re naked but without all the weird stares and jail time from indecent exposure. So all around, good things. These beauties are created and hand crafted by this AMAZING artist in San Diego, California and you have GOT to see her creative and beautiful stuff. She’s a mom and a lover of turquoise (like myself!) and her instagram is @4simplyi (check out her Etsy page HERE too). She’s an absolute sweetheart and nothing gives me more pleasure than to get to promote other moms who are creating beautiful things!
So there you have it. If you invite me to go dancing, I will be the one standing nervously outside the crowd trying to avoid all mirrors and any moves that might expose hidden fat rolls. Yes, I’m quite the party person.