Warning. In this post, I’m going to most likely mention Twilight a lot, so if you don’t like Twilight, well, that’s just too bad for you.
I have to preface this by saying I know nothing of real “vampire” culture, as defined in the classic vampire fiction or movies. My previous experience with them was The Count on Sesame Street (and since he was all about counting and numbers and stuff, he was basically SUPER boring to me) and a funny episode of the X Files that introduced Luke Wilson to me as a funny actor. So when I read Twilight, this was my introduction into vampires, and I’m pretty sure that to most people it was offensive since the culture laid out in that story was pretty tame and silly in comparison. Which is, exactly why I loved it. I tried watching True Blood, but those vampires were so mean that I immediately stopped. What the heck True Blood? Where’s the sparkly skin? That’s like the main reason I loved Twilight!
Years ago, I was at an event, and the ice breaker for the evening was: “If you were a superhero, what would your superpower be?” I listened to all the very sophisticated answers…like “I would fly because that would be amazing to see the world from afar”, and “I would be invisible so that I could hear what other people were saying without them knowing I was there” (what a nightmare that would be, by the way!), and I was absolutely bored OUT OF MY MIND. I mean, come on you guys. A little originality goes a LONG WAY and these answers are just so traditional and I can’t even believe that no one has an answer I’ve never thought of. So when they got to me, naturally I decided to veer away from the norm. Because, I’m a total rebel. :) My answer was: “I would sweat glitter”. Everyone stared at me like I was an insane person. Which I am. But that’s beside the point. I then explained my reasons (which I will list below) and yet, still no one understood. I guess I’m just to weird for the general population!
Here are my reasons, so that you too can get on board with this unappreciated genius. 1. I sweat a LOT. Like more than my husband and maybe as much as one of those football dudes that everyone’s always going on about. So if I were to sweat glitter instead of actual sweat, I would never have to worry about deodorant fails, sweaty pits, or gross yellowing of my white shirts. I’d just be beautiful and glittery like Edward Cullen and people would marvel at my glory in the sunlight. Oh, and I’d never need luminizer. Think about that gem for a minute why don’t ya! 2. I’d be super popular at all the parties. I mean, imagine you could make it rain glitter at any moment (just turn the heater up and you’re golden…literally) and you’d be a party HIT! 3. It could be weaponized. Think about it…someone comes at you, you start sweating, and you just kind of fling the glitter at their faces…bam. Weaponized glitter. It’s glamorous, and effective.
Now that you’re all on board with my amazing scientific advance, we just need to start a campaign to turn this character I’ve created in my head into a movie, a book series, and an action figure that when you heat it up, produces glitter. But until then, I have this outfit to simulate my fantasy.
Yes, I know what you’re thinking. “But will you wear that in real life??” you ask. Do you know me BUT AT ALL? So yeah I’m definitely wearing this amazing sparkly vampire tunic!!!! It’s handmade out of vintage fabric by the amazing Mod Melrose (sold though aavintedge.com) and it’s pure glory in a gold tunic. I put it with my amazing gold Lenni the Label velvet bells, but you can also get them here and here and here. That incredible necklace was handmade by the oh so fabulous Desert Mermaid on Etsy and she’s a master of jewelry making!
I hope no one’s out there sweating right now…and if you are, imagine that it’s glitter and you’ll TOTALLY get what I’m saying!