Embarrassing moments happen to all of us. Somehow I feel like I have them…a bit more often than most people. Like, I’ll be trying to be all smooth and stuff walking through the parking lot, and then I’ll trip on the air in front of me and wobble down and then back up again a lot like one of those weird balloon stick figure guys they use to advertise for used car sales. Yep, I have come to terms with the fact I am just not “smooth.” But now, for something completely more embarrassing.
I’m going to be nice to you and share with you some of my favorite embarrassing moments. Just because I love you, and I have no more pretense left of being a super cool person in the true popularity sense of the word. So here goes.
The Moment I Realized I Was a “Forever Blonde”
I used to work full time in an office with a lot of guys. Guys love sports. I do not. This makes for a lot of moments where I’d end up saying weird things like “call and audible” or “batting seven thousand” or whatever crap I had to say to make them understand me. Yes, I can play that game (as long as it’s a game with WORDS and not a BALL). That being said, I still have no idea how football is played really, and will probably always be trying to figure out why it is played as well. One day I was in a meeting with two of the biggest sports fans in the office, and when the meeting ended, it moved rapidly on to sports as things often did. The two guys were talking about their college team mascots, and the first guy said “we were the ______ (insert animal that has teeth and claws and runs really fast here)” and then the other guy explained that his team was the Bengals. I’d like you to take a minute, close your eyes, and say the word “Bengal”. Did you do it? Now I can finish my story. When he said “Bengal”, I heard “bangle” (he’s notorious for mispronouncing words in my very weak defense of this story) and I felt very confused. The thoughts were swirling in my head, and unfortunately, when my thoughts swirl, my mouth starts moving much faster than it should. So instead of taking a minute, processing what was being said, and THEN speaking, I blurted out “Wait. Your team mascot was…BRACELETS?” Both guys stopped, looked at me as if I was a three headed alien that had just landed in front of them and was picking all three of my noses with the same hand (now there’s a trick!) and the dead silence rang out. I rapidly realized my IDIOTIC error in judgement, and I blabbed something about “haha oh yeah right you mean TIGERS…I thought you meant like BANGLES you know like the BRACELETS and I thought that was really weird hahahahaha (and on ad nauseum)” as I slowly backed out of the room. They resumed their conversation as though nothing at all had happened because there’s no WAY on EARTH that anyone could be THAT STUPID RIGHT? And now I have a fabulous story to tell about how my brain is eternally blonde and I actually thought that someone’s team mascot was a piece of jewelry.
The “Hair Petting” Incident
I’d like to start after the last story by saying that this one wasn’t my fault. This was one of those weird and horrifying moments in your life that you look back on and say “what the heck was THAT??” But you do need to know that not all of these are my fault and I’m not a walking train wreck (most of the time). Let’s begin. I was in high school, singing on the church band as was one of my dreams since I love to sing. There was a guy on the band, who was…interesting. You know, like, nice enough, but just…a tad…different. I was really young, so I for the most part kept my distance from the older guys because I wasn’t looking to date at that time, especially someone who wasn’t in high school as well. However, that distance shrunk a bit one day in a weird way… I was sitting in the back of the church during some special service or something that was going on (I don’t remember what happened and you’ll see why) and he was sitting behind me. And then, the weird part happened. He started…petting my hair. Yes. I’m as creeped out as you are right now. I was basically frozen to the spot. What the heck was I supposed to do?? I mean, if this happened now, I would most definitely be like “aw heck to the naw” and get up and move, but I was SIXTEEN!!!!! No one had ever petted my hair before (I’m not a dog, nor have I ever volunteered to be part of a petting zoo) so I was basically petrified and pretended like this was normal and as soon as he stopped I ran far far away. Ick. I gotta say, this gives me a whole new respect for dogs, and I now ask their permission before I pet their fur.
The “I Promise I’m Not Peeing” Moment
I play guitar and sing. And I sweat a lot. Bonus, I sweat even MORE while I play guitar and sing. Now please, don’t try to sell me on a new deodorant because the sweat DOESN’T JUST COME FROM MY ARMPITS people. Not trying to be gross or graphic, just keeping it real. I used to occasionally wear skirts while I played (don’t do that anymore, and you’ll see why) and I thought this would help with my overly sticky situation. But instead, the opposite happened. One morning while playing in the dead heat of summer, I felt a large bead of sweat begin to form at the base of my…derriere. You know, the lovely lady lumps back there. And then, slowly, mid song, that bead of sweat began to travel, graceful and true, down the back of my leg. I wondered…could anyone see this bead of sweat? It felt large enough to see, that’s for sure. And what would they think? That I had to pee and I just couldn’t hold it in any longer? This made me sweat more, which made the bead just move a little faster and more vengefully towards my ankle. And then, it landed. Thank the Lord. I still don’t know if anyone ever saw this, and if they did, I hope they know that I am not incontinent, I just sweat like a trucker (and if you’re a trucker and aren’t sweaty, then I apologize for this reference). I now wear pants when I play and sing. End of story.
I may have embarrassing moments, but I usually don’t get embarrassed by my outfits. Sure, this shirt looks a bit like chest hair, but I’m actually good with that. I love “manrepeller style” and this outfit has a nice mix of 1970’s grandpa and luxury vintage to it. If you don’t have a “chest hair” sweater or shirt, you should get one, because these kinds of clothes get you OUT of embarrassing moments. No one notices if you drop stuff or trip or say weird things about bracelets…because they’re too distracted by your weird clothes. I’m a closet genius (and my puns are #onpoint too) ;)