I heard someone say something that really resonated with me today. He said: “We were built for victory. But fear keeps us in defeat.” It really struck me for two reasons. One, I don’t often believe that I was actually BUILT for victory. I just assume that sometimes, dreams just don’t work out and accepting reality is just part of life. And two, fear has been a major sticking point for me on a lot of things in life. I was born a bold risk taker, and then rewired to be fearful and overly cautious to a fault. So when I heard that statement, it really rocked my mind!
I was talking with my husband yesterday about how before we went through our few years of intense struggles, I had this very specific and intense goal and plan. It was something that I had literally dreamed about since I was a child…and it was this thing that sort of drove me to keep going in a lot of ways. I’m SUCH a goal oriented person, that it was a large, and sometimes too large, part of my life and my thoughts. Then, when we lost all of what we had worked for and basically had to start over (and at a deficit no less!) I had gone for so long without even the hope of this goal, that it was gone. It was like it was completely dead and buried in a graveyard of dreams that would never be. And for a while, I was sort of “okay” with that. I think in my recovery process, for a while I just couldn’t really deal with any more loss…I had lost enough, so the thought of dealing with things I never had and lost was just too great a burden to bear. But after a while, I began to feel more and more of a whole person and then, the actual hole that the dream had left became more apparent. In straight terms, I sometimes feel like I lack the vision and passion I had before.
Maybe some of that’s good. That vision and passion drove me so hard, even to the point of depression at times because I could not immediately attain it, that it needed to take a breather. It needed to be there, encouraging me forward, but not in a way that I could not enjoy life in the meantime and the journey to get to it. However, I think I would like to regain some of that vision. Because if I was “meant for victory”, then this story isn’t finished. I told my husband that I go back and forth between thinking that my goals and dreams are not dead and that they’re still going to happen…and that I should just let them go and assume that they are a thing of the past. His response was that the latter of the two options was dangerous, because it would allow me to slip into a state of apathy and acceptance for something that is temporary. He was right. I was not “meant for defeat”, even though defeat is sometimes part of the journey. I was born free of fear…and the fear of hoping and dreaming again is what can keep me from that victory.
I have to remind myself that sometimes my leaning towards fears and accepting defeat are not part of who I am. They were learned, and now I must UNlearn them and stand in the victory I was meant to. Because I can still work for, believe for, and hope for the things that I was meant to experience. THAT is victory even in the times when things are not obviously victorious!
I know you probably can’t read it, but this shirt says: “Born Free” so I thought it was appropriate for this post! I gotta say, this outfit is pretty much straight inspired by Spell Designs…I can never get enough of their bohemian eclectic colorful fringy goodness! The boots are old Sam Edelman, but fringe booties are EVERYWHERE now, and an absolute essential for the fringe lover like myself! The skirt is Free People, the top is Bandit Brand (amazing vintage inspired graphic tees!), and the jacket is Off Fifth. The belt is from “my” store (I call it “mine” because I love it and I have the privilege of styling there!) so it’s second hand amazingness! Don’t forget about the necklace. Ohhhhh that necklace is new from Zachary Pryor on Etsy. Gotta love a good statement piece!
I hope you’re dreaming big and feeling free today!