Having toddlers is unlike any other experience in my life. It’s both exhausting and hilarious, fun and not fun, and pretty much just all around insane. I feel like a forgetful, sleep deprived, hot mess of a human on most days. I do things like pay for my groceries, and then proceed to leave the store without everything I just paid for. I forget words that should come easy to me, given that I am a native English speaker and all. And I say sentences that I never, ever thought I would say. Words that I previously thought didn’t belong together, now fly out of my mouth with great ease. Generally they are accompanied by the words “no” or “don’t”, but the result is always the same. I give humans instructions on basic tasks, like: “chew, then swallow.” Yep. Life is bizarre. But these kids teach me a lot of things. Serious things of course, but come on, the funny things that they teach us are always better right??
So here it is: Lessons I Have Learned From My Two & Three (just now four!) Year Old. (this is all tongue and cheek obviously, I don’t THINK I need to say that though…)
- Sharing is not Caring. Sharing is Whack. Yes, let’s de-mistify this one right now. When people tell you to SHARE, what they’re really telling you to do is to “give away that thing that you really really want and HAD FIRST.” Pretty much the most unfair principle in life is sharing. I have learned that when people ask me to share, it’s best to scream “GET YOUR OWN FREAKING ________ THIS ONE’S MINE!” and then to run away. It’ll work every time and you’ll never have to share again.
- If you scream, they will come. Yes people, I’m about to blow the lid off that whole “waiting patiently” thing. The louder you scream, the quicker people will do what you want, mostly just to shut you up. Screaming gives you ALL the power. The loudest one gets what they want first.
- There is no such thing as “too much” sugar. My toddlers patiently remind me every single day that they do not need meals. They only need snack bars, cereal, M&M’s, ice cream, and chocolate croissants. Everything else is optional, but not really necessary. There is no need to sit down and eat a meal. It is much preferable to eat what you like, while you do what you want. Meal times are a fascist regime designed to keep you away from all your stuff. Revolt against them.
- There should be toys sold in EVERY store. Without toys, a store is basically useless. Now they don’t have to be actually MEANT to be toys. Lots of things can double as toys. Tools at the hardware store make EXCELLENT toys. Flashlights, back scratchers, and other random little items at the register of your local drugstore work beautifully as well. But really, if you leave a store WITHOUT something that can be played with, you have failed. Miserably.
- Everything can and should be allowed in your bed/crib. The BEST way to go to bed at night is with the light on. If you turn the light off, how can you see your stuff? Take everything that you like, put it in your bed. Then play, read, and basically have a party (food is encouraged) because sleep? That’s for babies.
- Clothing is optional, and should be used creatively. Following the traditional constraints of clothing is a no no. Phrases like “pants go on your legs” are very closed minded. Socks can go on your hands. Pants can double as a super cool hat. Wearing multiple shirts or pairs of pants simultaneously can be fun. But please, when you do this, make sure to throw a HUGE fit when the articles of clothing don’t comply with their current situation. It’s really the only way to deal with this struggle.
- Nothing, NOTHING is as important as picking up a dropped toy. Driving on the freeway? Not as important. Trying not to burn dinner? Paltry. Have to pee? It can wait. When a toy falls out of reach, this is CRITICAL. Threat level MIDNIGHT. Alert the neighbors, all your friends, and the white house because THIS IS NOT A DRILL PEOPLE!!!!! Drop EVERYTHING and pick up that toy. Or ELSE.
Ah yes. Toddlers are magical, cute, and secret evil geniuses. I learn a lot from them! I am learning, on a more serious note, to not call myself F-A-T when I feel like it…because I sure as heck don’t want them to learn that from me! And wearing shorts is not the most easy thing for me post babies, but I’m learning to accept myself where I’m at, appreciate how far I’ve come, and keep working towards where I want to be!
I got this giant oversized shirt at Off Fifth, and I love it. It’s so oversized that I feel like it has a lot of uses. It is so great for summer! This necklace is from Free to Wander and the espadrilles are my new go to shoe…they’re from Soludos and they’re so comfy!
Happy Monday all you amazing humans. Hope you’re screaming loudly and eating some sugar right about now.