My poor husband. I am quite literally, one of the worst people in the world to watch a movie with. Why, you may ask? I’m going to tell you. Now, I’m not defending my movie watching dysfunction, or trying to help you understand me or anything like that. Because I know that my movie issues are not really “logical” so to speak, and until they come out with a drug for “very choosy about movies”, then this is me, watching (or really not watching) movies. Get ready. You may not like me very much by the end of this post, because I will inevitably have offended you by telling you I hated one of your favorite movies or turned off a movie that you watch repeatedly. And for this, all I can say is, I’m sorry, and I wish I could change it too.
If you were a movie, unless you are one of the Pitch Perfect movies or Jurassic Park/World series…I just may not like you that much. I can’t explain this strange phenomenon, again, it just…IS. Let me tell you how this goes for me. I start a movie. I’m hopeful, cautiously optimistic, and determined to like (tolerate at best) this freaking movie. Halfway through, I’m like okay, this isn’t my favorite, I’m not in absolute LOVE, but I’m committed and I’m doing it. Then, right about at 3/4 of the way through this storyline, something happens. Usually, whatever’s going on is about to reach it’s peak, and I begin to lose my patience. At this point, I have the realization that if the main character had just NOT lied or cheated on his wife/gotten a legitimate job instead of stealing/stayed on planet earth…NONE OF THIS WOULD BE HAPPENING. I begin to question the worthwhile-ness of this character surviving the zombie apocalypse/strange disease epidemic/people with a lot of guns. And then it hits me. Because of his/her stupidity, I have WASTED THE PAST HOUR OF MY LIFE stressing about him/her. I then start imagining a giant bomb obliterating everyone in the movie, a British voiceover saying “And NOW for something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT”, and a herd of puppies running onto the set, playing with chew toys and being generally more deserving of my time and attention. True story.
I often read the bad reviews of movies before risking seeing them in the theatre (and believe me, that is quite a risk for me). I read the bad ones, because usually I can tell by the critiques whether or not I will like the movie. I mean, the good ones can be telling too. “Sweeping landscapes” means: “I could just look out the window and save my time and money”. “Heartwarming story” means: “someone will probably get a weird disease and/or die in this movie.” “Amazing special effects” means: “the writers all quit so the story is complete crap…but hey a lot of things blow up, so it’s all okay.” And the ALWAYS inevitable “historically accurate” will mean: “everyone dies at the end, don’t waste your time.” Often the things that people DON’T like about movies are the exact things that will make me LOVE them. “Formulaic and cute” are often touted as critiques of a movie. Because, if everyone’s happy at the end of the movie, it seems like a lot of people will inevitably hate it. I’ve learned that movie critics are often much happier getting jerked around and having the rug pulled out from under them than they are watching people live happily ever after.
I think I’ve been scarred by so many movies, I’ve begun to be an instant skeptic. I mean Titanic? Apollo 13? What the heck people. Thanks for reminding me that I paid ZERO attention in history class. Oh and how about the beauty that was The Sixth Sense? HE WAS DEAD THE WHOLE TIME? THANK YOU FOR WASTING MY TIME. (I guess I should have said: “spoiler alert”, but I mean if you haven’t seen that movie or know this by now, I don’t know what to tell you). I have been emotionally traumatized before, so now I’ve become quite choosy about what I will pay attention to. Here is a full (but not conclusive) list of topics I refuse to watch movies on. (You should sit down, it’s not short).
- War (any war at all. Imaginary or real).
- Zombies/zombie apocalypse (missing chunks of flesh is not my jam. I made an exception for Warm Bodies, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, and Zombieland.)
- Post apocalyptic movies (I like happy things, have you noticed?)
- Anything too raunchy (Again, exceptions include Wedding Crashers, Bad Moms, Bridesmaids…beyond these though if it’s too much raunch, I’m out).
- Musicals (this only means I don’t like movies where they sing ALL the time. Also, please don’t tell me something is a “musical” then have it actually be “a movie about war”…I was a child when I watched The Sound of Music and this nice movie where a lady with a sort of bizarre haircut made clothing out of curtains and sang a lot took a dark turn into something where they probably all died at the end. It’s not nice to do that to people.)
- Anything too emotional (Sorry Nicholas Sparks. If I wanted to cry, all I’d have to do is watch one of those “share a Kleenex” commercials. Dang lady hormones.)
- Anything too violent (I refuse to watch people hurting each other, even if it is “historically accurate.”)
- Most things sports related (There are some exceptions to this one. If the story is good enough, and not too emotional, per number six on my list, then I may care enough to watch it. Since I care nothing about sports, it has to be a good story outside of people throwing balls around.)
- Things that are too “artsy” (I love creativity, but if it’s like art for art’s sake, I’m out.)
- Superhero movies (I don’t make the rules you guys. I have learned that these movies usually include a lot of things blowing up and creatures I don’t recognize or know what they are. I love movies about people with superPOWERS, just not super heroes. Don’t even get me started on the anti-super hero movies, we will be here all day.)
- Things that are about people making stupid choices (If you’re gonna do it, don’t make me live through the stress of it okay? I make enough of my own and have to live through them!)
So where does that leave us? You called it. Pitch Perfect and Jurassic World. Somehow watching people sing in perfect harmony and getting chased by fictitious dinosaurs just makes me happy. Since this post is just so down on movies, let me give you some titles I do love, lest you think I am the worst human on the planet who hates movies and frowns all the time. Legally Blonde, The Royal Tenenbaums, Clueless, Ghostbusters (all of them), Mean Girls, Easy A (I love movies about high school can you tell?), Beetlejuice, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Back To The Future (all of them), Indiana Jones (all of them except number two because ewwwww), The Man From U.N.C.L.E, Pirates of the Caribbean (all except the last one)…to name a few. Despite what this post may suggest, I actually do love a lot of movies. But if I don’t love it? My poor husband has to live with it.
Good news. You know what I’m NOT choosy about? Kimonos or kimono like items. I nabbed this jacket at the store I work at, and a girl who doesn’t work there that often said: “you like Asian fashion don’t you?” I was like…”I guess…” and then realized I was literally wearing a shirt that looks like this jacket…and, um, KIMONOS, DUH.
I mean my gosh, how could you not fall in love with the satiny, gorgeously rich colors, and patterns that make up Asian fashion? Yeah. I may not be able to sit through a whole movie, but I could sit through one of those dry cleaning automated racks full of kimonos. I put this with my Madewell mom jeans (I have them in two colors, they are fabulous) and some thrifted loafers I just scored recently. My necklace was handmade by DesertMermaid on Etsy.
I bet you are way better at movie watching than me. I bet you sat through the whole Titanic movie and WEREN’T surprised when they all died. I’ll bet you love superhero movies and have a blast watching summer blockbusters and are not a “hater” as my husband refers to me. Ah well. I’ll always have my automated rack of kimonos to dream about…