On Things I’ve Lost and Things I’ve Found

When I went through the three year darkness (what I call a very difficult and painful time in my life for those who don’t know what I’m talking about!) I lost a lot of stuff.  Some of the stuff was tangible…like a home or possessions.  I lost friendships and my job because I couldn’t manage anything except my own survival at the time.  You know what’s weird though? As much as losing that stuff has been so painful, it’s some of the things that I didn’t even have but still lost…that hurts the most. Let me explain.  Before everything kind of crashed down around me, I had these very specific hopes and dreams in a lot of ways that I was holding onto. I had chosen certain cabinets and flooring for a house that never materialized. I had planned out nurseries that never got built. And there were even things that I saw during that time that I kind of held onto…thinking that maybe they’d still be around when I was actually emotionally alive again.  Some of it may seem kind of benign…like “I want to see that movie in the theatre before it comes out on DVD.” But in reality, holding onto those seemingly silly things was like me desperately trying to hold onto this ideal that I would be okay soon. And then, when those things didn’t happen, it was like complete and utter devistation all over again.

Now that I’m feeling alive again and I’m no longer in the darkness, there’s some things that have materialized and things that I am so grateful for and humbled by because I know what it means to lose them. Like being in a safe and comfortable home. Being able to shop and have fun again. And spending a Saturday going out to breakfast and going downtown with my family.  I don’t take these things for granted anymore because once I did not have them.  And still, there are some things that I still ache for.  Things I still have not been able to do yet.  Some of them are long gone, like my kids nurseries.  I’ve now decorated their rooms, but the nurseries that I designed before they were born will remain a dream that I had when I was pregnant.  Sure. Some of it still makes me a bit sad like how I’m tearing up a bit even as I write this because all you women out there who’ve had babies or have planned some kind of special space before know how important those plans are. But I am thankful I’ve been able to decorate their toddler rooms and that is just as important in reality.  Some of my plans are old, leftover plans from a different time in my life that really needed to die so that they could come back to life in a new and mature way.  And others will one day materialize at the right time and I will get to see them the way I long to see them come to life.

During that time, I really didn’t shop at all. I didn’t care to shop, didn’t care about styles or clothes or fashion. I was in too much pain. But I wanted to care, and occasionally a tiny part of me would wake up for a minute and dream for just half a second. I saw a dress in the window of a store downtown one day during that time, and oh man. I dreamed that I would be able to buy that dress before it went away.  I dreamed hard for that dress.  It was a premature dream though, and it did go away before I had any ability to buy it. Maybe someday I’ll find that dress in a resale shop or something and it will just happen!  But when I was in an H&M a while ago after all the painful stuff had passed, I saw this dress I’m wearing in the photos and it reminded me a little of that one that I saw so long ago.  So I bought it because it’s lovely and it reminds me that there is hope, and that even if it feels like we have missed something along our journey, there is always more for us down the road.  We are never “finished” or just “done” no matter how life beats us down.  We can still get up again and find the new dreams that are yet to come.

I love wearing this dress over skinny jeans almost like a kimono.  It can be buttoned all the way down, but I just like how this makes it really interesting and different than your typical maxi.  The boots are my fabulously handmade hillbilly gypsy boots and the squash blossom is baublebar.

You guys, just keep dreaming ok? Always. Whatever you missed you’ll either get back in a better way or there will be something new to come. I believe it for you and for myself.

Have an amazing weekend!


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